Pain with a Purpose

Pregnancy connects you to something powerful. You might not realize it at the time, but your body is so connected to God and love. It fills you and consumes you. In the following months, it is hard to let go of that feeling. Your body suffers a loss so great, that it takes time to recover from it. You know your baby is here now and you love them, but your body mourns for the planning and the hope and just the overwhelming love and contentment your body felt while it was growing a new person.

The pain is not easily overcome. Modern medicine wants you to medicate away those feelings. I tried to embrace them and the journey that came with it. I have always tried to embrace life. Some people think I am crazy. But, I have never wanted to medicate or drink away life. I didn't use an epidural with the birth of either of my boys. Call me crazy, it wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last, but wanted to fully experience that experience. I considered a epidural with Cove, because I kind of wanted to experience things in a different way. However, I ultimately decided against it. And its a good thing, because I would have been numb for after his birth and probably not during. Both Brian and I don't consume alcohol. Which is odd, since my heritage is known for there drinking. But all things aside, I have always wanted to experience life to its fullest and not have something clouding the way I embrace it.

It hasn't been easy. But in the end, it has brought our family closer. I realized that I was hiding a part of myself to me, to my husband and to the world. I think this was God's way of giving me a good kick and reminding me what life is all about. Hopefully, I don't have to endure this same kick again. But if I need it, I guess I will have to embrace it.

I wasn't far of course, well I hope I wasn't. But, I came to realize that I wasn't welcoming God and all he has to offer into my heart like I used to. I also realized that I hadn't fully introduced Caedan to God. Sure, both the boys are baptized and we do attend church weekly. But I wasn't fully integrating Him into our lives. I kept Him in my life, but haven't fully shared Him with the boys. I was also able to rely on my husband for some things I desperately need in my life, yet hadn't known beforehand or I had unknowingly tucked them away. I like to think I wasn't purposely hiding myself. Maybe, I was. Who knows. But hopefully, I won't any longer.

Some parts of this journey have been truly scary. At some points I was truly afraid the end of the world was here and I wouldn't be able to watch my boys grow and learn. It scared me. I wanted those joys. Then, it made me realize that I won't always be here. This has bothered me since I can remember. I don't ever want to lose my babies and my family. Most days I couldn't cope because I felt like everyday was one day closer to the end. How am I supposed to raise them knowing this?

I truly enjoy every moment. I love hearing every silly thing Caedan says. I love teaching him and loving him. All things aside, I think I have done a good job so far. He is a loving, confident, smart young man, despite me. I love every moment of being a mother to my baby. I even love when he wakes up at night or in the wee hours of the morning because it allows me that extra time to love and hold him. Sometimes, I just want to live in this moment forever. Thankfully, my husband is here to remind me that this isn't what I really want. That I have said it before and that I am being selfish. I need to let them grow, love and learn just like I have had the opportunity to do and continue to do.

A lot of hurt has been in my life and mind for almost 6 months now. Hopefully, the pain is close to ending and we can move on. However, God has reminded me of a lot and blessed me with so much. Hopefully, I have heard Him correctly now. However, I have this feeling that I am still on the road to recovery.