Pain with a Purpose

Pregnancy connects you to something powerful. You might not realize it at the time, but your body is so connected to God and love. It fills you and consumes you. In the following months, it is hard to let go of that feeling. Your body suffers a loss so great, that it takes time to recover from it. You know your baby is here now and you love them, but your body mourns for the planning and the hope and just the overwhelming love and contentment your body felt while it was growing a new person.

The pain is not easily overcome. Modern medicine wants you to medicate away those feelings. I tried to embrace them and the journey that came with it. I have always tried to embrace life. Some people think I am crazy. But, I have never wanted to medicate or drink away life. I didn't use an epidural with the birth of either of my boys. Call me crazy, it wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last, but wanted to fully experience that experience. I considered a epidural with Cove, because I kind of wanted to experience things in a different way. However, I ultimately decided against it. And its a good thing, because I would have been numb for after his birth and probably not during. Both Brian and I don't consume alcohol. Which is odd, since my heritage is known for there drinking. But all things aside, I have always wanted to experience life to its fullest and not have something clouding the way I embrace it.

It hasn't been easy. But in the end, it has brought our family closer. I realized that I was hiding a part of myself to me, to my husband and to the world. I think this was God's way of giving me a good kick and reminding me what life is all about. Hopefully, I don't have to endure this same kick again. But if I need it, I guess I will have to embrace it.

I wasn't far of course, well I hope I wasn't. But, I came to realize that I wasn't welcoming God and all he has to offer into my heart like I used to. I also realized that I hadn't fully introduced Caedan to God. Sure, both the boys are baptized and we do attend church weekly. But I wasn't fully integrating Him into our lives. I kept Him in my life, but haven't fully shared Him with the boys. I was also able to rely on my husband for some things I desperately need in my life, yet hadn't known beforehand or I had unknowingly tucked them away. I like to think I wasn't purposely hiding myself. Maybe, I was. Who knows. But hopefully, I won't any longer.

Some parts of this journey have been truly scary. At some points I was truly afraid the end of the world was here and I wouldn't be able to watch my boys grow and learn. It scared me. I wanted those joys. Then, it made me realize that I won't always be here. This has bothered me since I can remember. I don't ever want to lose my babies and my family. Most days I couldn't cope because I felt like everyday was one day closer to the end. How am I supposed to raise them knowing this?

I truly enjoy every moment. I love hearing every silly thing Caedan says. I love teaching him and loving him. All things aside, I think I have done a good job so far. He is a loving, confident, smart young man, despite me. I love every moment of being a mother to my baby. I even love when he wakes up at night or in the wee hours of the morning because it allows me that extra time to love and hold him. Sometimes, I just want to live in this moment forever. Thankfully, my husband is here to remind me that this isn't what I really want. That I have said it before and that I am being selfish. I need to let them grow, love and learn just like I have had the opportunity to do and continue to do.

A lot of hurt has been in my life and mind for almost 6 months now. Hopefully, the pain is close to ending and we can move on. However, God has reminded me of a lot and blessed me with so much. Hopefully, I have heard Him correctly now. However, I have this feeling that I am still on the road to recovery.

My Husband Has No Shame...

In an attempt to make-up for his wrong decision, Brian had to take me to Panera for dinner and watch a Johnny Depp movie with me. He doesn't really like Panera anymore, so it was a semi-punishment, but mainly so that I could go to my comfort food. And well, the Johnny Depp movie, that speaks for itself!

Well, after having Panera last night for dinner, he suggests we go there for lunch today. Say what? Yes, my husband has no shame and will go to the same restaurant for back to back meals. Not even drive across town and go to the other Panera, but the same location as last night. I would like to state for the record that I did not influence this. He wanted a pre-concert meal of Panera. As much as I love Panera, I even asked if he is insane, while enjoying my lunch.

We are not like most families...

I accepted long ago that we are not like most families. I had to accept in during my childhood and then again in my adulthood.

I love our family structure and I am very grateful for it. Hopefully, one day Caedan and Cove will come to realize that they are very lucky to have not one, but TWO parents home FULL time. Yes, we have two parebts home at all times. I think this is part of the reason that the housework never gets done, but that's a whole different story.

When Brian was laid off almost 15 months ago, we were scared and worried. However, that might have been one of the best things that could have happened to our family. The long, frustrating commute Brian had is gone. The excessive time spent at work that could be spent with the family is gone. We welcomed more family time and free time in exchange.

I love that we are able to both provide for our family and be able to be an integral part of almost every moment. I am so happy and grateful for this and can't imagine it any other way.

FINALLY!

All is right in the world. We finally received a notice. They finally called us on our front yard and not having anything planted. We must weed and add flowers or shrubs to both the front and backyard plots. Now to find the cheapest and most low maintenance appeal possible. Someone please send Curb Appeal to my house.

Not sure Wether to Laugh or Cry

How do you know you partially failed on the parental front? When your three year old initiates a conversation where he mentions that food comes from restaurants. That we don't have food in our home. When you correct him and say yes, of course we have food in our home, silly. He retorts with, well yea, Raven has food in our home. DOH!

Yes, we eat out often. Much more, often than we should. However, we have food in our home. We also go to the grocery store at least weekly. He has even been to farms and the farmer's market. I like to chalk it up to him just being silly. He does, like to test us like that. But I guess we got the message... well maybe.

All is Right in the Neighborhood

The nicer weather has arrived. The neighbors are out and about and being neighborly again. Well, if you count walking pit bulls without leashes and kids parting just enough for your car to fit through.

However, we haven't received a HOA notice yet. I am shocked. It is almost mid-May and no notice yet! We have had our recycle bins on our doorstep for a good month or more and until recently our backyard looked like the amazon. Yet, no notice.

The pool opens soon, so hopefully that means less kids in the road and more kids on the opposite side of the neighborhood causing mischief and peeing in yards.